In passing.

So I said goodby to a dear friend.  It was heartbreaking.

When I sat in her for the first time at the dealership, she promised me that if I took her home she would always protect the people inside, never brake down in unsafe places and live forever.  Well, she was true to the first two and probably intended to capture immortality as well. Then the years (and the children, the dog and the junk in the trunk) began to wear her down and we started replacing vital parts.  I asked her, begged her to hang in there for five more years.  It took her about 10 years to realize there really was no 5 year finish line.  As she grew progressively more tired and worn out I could hear her heavy sighs of resignation as I would repair her and put her back on the road.  Lately, as I begged her to go 5 more years, she was silent.  Supportive, but silent.

Shes been purging her oil in huge quantities.  Too many leaks in every direction for one who has no motor-medical skills and can no longer afford to hire those who do.  I thought she was really finished this time.... not because she really had reached her mortal end, but because I had failed her. I could no longer fund her repairs. What is a car (with a soul) to do when the metal is junked? Is that stupid to worry about such things?

Thankfully, my motor-medical mechanic had fallen in love with her over the years.  He could see her potential under his attentive (and free of charge) automotive expertise. So while I miss her terribly (no offense to the little purple Hyundai which has committed to putt for all she's worth) I'm grateful that she is getting the care she needs and deserves. And I hope to see her again...in passing.

278.5 credits, 52 semesters and 7 pages of transcripts

I have said goodbye to BYU so many times before... 

*As a sophmore when I married my children's father.
*As a junior when I realized that making my children wait for lunch until I finished my choreography was messed up.
*As a graduate with a BA in Dance.
*As a graduate with a MA in Dance.
*As a post grad with a Athletic Training Cert.
*And now, 32 credits of prerequisite classes behind me and accepted into a PA program.

Ive been pre-physical therapy, dance, sign language interpreter, dance, dance rehab and conditioning, athletic training and post bacc-non traditional chemistry/bioscience.  What a trip.

The gratitude to parents, spouses, children, family, friends, organizations and institutions that have empowered this journey is overwhelming to feel, much less describe.  I treasure this support and hold it sacred in my heart.

After 34 years, I've ended my BYU legacy. Two days ago,
I walked out of the testing center for the very last time. I'm really leaving this time.  I mean it.

Origin

Whoever I am at any given moment.  Whatever choice I make at any cross road.  Whatever I say, and how loud I say it.  Whatever I laugh at and why its funny.  Whatever insight becomes suddenly clear.  Whatever dream I pursue. Whatever familial code I enforce, or endlessly strive for. However long the conversation takes. Whatever sense of adventure comes with a rocket ride. Whatever work ethic must be endured. Whatever popcorn or paperbag doughnuts are being consumed. Whatever. However. Whomever. Wherever. It came from these people. My people.  My anchors. My family of origin.

Hope Floats

Even while being swallowed up 

by my deeper moments of disappointment, 

I have realized that 

I am hopelessly addicted to hope. 

Hospital 101: Day 1

When faced with large hospital beds, carrying sedated patients being pushed by hospital staff who are single-minded and forward driven, I will never win. Always yield. I am a insect to them and they won't even notice the bump as they go over me.  From now on, when approaching hallway intersections, I will consider checking the multiview mirrors so as to yield before me and my little EKG machine become a casualty.

If I reach a hallway with an apparent dead end, I need to remember that if I look around and find a little grey box, my ID badge is magic and can open doors that look like walls.

Scrubs really are the best!  They're comfy and actually considered "professional".  But beware of the drawstring in the pants.  If you don't tie them right, it becomes impossible to untie them, especially when the bathroom break is long overdue and the pager is going off. Again.  Damp spots on scrubs are considered less professional and are less comfy.

There are an infinite number of hallways in a hospital (known only to staff) that all look identical, yet spit you out into totally different departments. Some areas of the hospital don't have a third floor, never mind that the second floors don't meet in one section, and so require different elevators (or with extremely good compass you can find the really awkward staircase)  Its really going to suck if I get an emergency page and get swallowed up in the maze and don't get there in time.

When people are in crisis, time within a hospital becomes warped.  It has it's own sense of pacing, very  independent and separate from the flow of the rest of humanity.  It is a world unto itself. Thus, being suspended in this time warp for 12 hours at a time, leaves one a little disoriented when trying to reunite with the rhythms of those on the outside.

Patients eat food.  Visiting family members eat food.  Support personnel like department secretaries and such eat food.  But the rest of us seem destined to be self sustaining since one little 30 minute break isn't much time to consume enough food to last for the other twelve hours as I turbo-jet from one department to another.

Every person. Every one. No matter how they see themselves in their pretend life, become very vulnerable and scared when faced with their own physical failing.  And so do their families.  We were designed that way.  To treasure our physical gift, to want to cling to relationships we fear to be separated from.  There is no them and us when it comes down to the final chapter. Everyone is an us. We always were. Age, race, social class and politic fade away as each contemplate the possibility that the turn may be over and we will be returning home. All of us, to the same home, same parents. We're all just kids, in the same crazy family.

And that's just what I learned on the first day.....

Moments & Mercies/ Whats for Breakfast?

Today I am overwhelmed with the tender mercies of the last couple of hours which is the culmination of prayers, increasing amounts of time "not fretting" and trying to grab desperate glances into the future to be sure its all going to be ok. Once again, God not only knows me but cares enough to prove it. 

Moment:  Even tho I just got the perfect job, it doesn't start till after the money runs out and it isnt going to pay enough to really feel confident about the future.
Mercy: A check in the mail for more than I anticipated which is a clear message that he is very aware of my
financial obligations and isnt going to desert me as I go through the "skinny" places. The scriptures say that he takes care of each day as it comes.  I'm grateful he was aware of this day.

Moment: Every day I feed Abby, I notice how her supply of food is getting smaller and wondering how I'm going to buy the next bag.  (I know that Al will, if I asked him too, but its kind of a pride thing.  Was a big deal when I got her that she was my dog and I would take care of her).
Mercy: Well, for every 10 bags of dog food you buy, you get the next one free.  Apparently, we're on the 11th bag, since the free coupon came in the mail today as well.

Moment: I really love going to the Lehi Rodeo.  My heart felt a little prick when I realized I would miss it this year.
Mercy: Al got asked to cook the BBQ for one of the BYU singles wards this weekend.  After the food, they're all going to the Lehi Rodeo and have tickets for us too!  Yahoo!

The process is still thick and uncertain, but tender mercies scattered along the way, reassure me that I am not lost. I am in awe and deeply humbled.

And breakfast!  As far as cheese quesadillas, Scarlet was a little perplexed and incredulous that I served them for breakfast when the girls were sleeping over.  Rose was fine with it and Scarlet's always been on board with my food quirks before (weird smoothies, homemade hummus, etc) but I guess everyone has their limits. Apparently when I suggested she dip it in the strawberry yogurt was what really put her over the top.  I think its funny that she thinks that's odd.  But as I poll, I'm learning that there's more who wrinkle their nose than those who don't. Sigh...what can I say?

If you are already sad, here is something that may help...