Bounce

Be yourself. Best advice ever. I guess.

In the end, who else can you be, right?

I didn't get the PA seat at University of Utah.
Myself didn't suit theirselves, apparently.

I'm deciding to let that be ok.

I used to have a big, glorious red ball. No matter what it slammed into, it always seemed to rebound beautifully, in its own awkward, resilient way. I miss that ball.

Let it Rain!

Stare

Why is it that what we stare at those we love? How does stretching beyond all limits, working harder then humanly possible, losing precious chunks of sanity and wringing your heart in directions unimaginable cause you to stare? I don't get it.

I stared at my babies, I stared at my children, I stared at my teenagers, I stared at my young adults. It was irritating to them but I couldn't stop. It wasn't possible then, and its not possible now. As the years continue, I am as enthralled by them as I have ever been. I am in awe and wonderment of the people they are. Thus, I am staring. Still. Maybe forever.

The generations roll forward and those who have been stared at for years are now hopelessly fixated on their own wondrous creations. I love it.

Volunteering

So today was my first day to volunteer at the health clinic. I learned a few things.

1-bring your own pen.
2- people who come to health clinics are called patients, not clients.
3- if you push the button on the thermometer (to activate), it eventually beeps, which means that it has actually recorded a temperature. If you don't push the button, everyone's temperature is 97.2 and you look like a real idiot.
4-you don't have to speak Spanish to know that the 3 year old who is screaming at you isn't going to let you take her temperature.
5-when you pop the plastic ear cover off the thermometer, its cool if you can make a long shot into the wastebasket. If the patient is under 10 years old, you can get a million dollar giggle if you miss it by a mile.
6-a smile is worth a thousand words and gesturing is entertaining, but sometimes it just works better if you go get the interpreter.
7-the PA admissions committee was right, I wasn't ready. I have a lot to learn.

Pause

Amy's blog about her annual reflection got me thinking about my efforts to get into PA school. I realized I had a list of my own.

1-Chemistry is as hard as everyone says it is, BUT hard doesn't mean impossible and I actually like it and may (MAY) be kinda good at it .

2- Just because I'm busy and trying to do too much, is not an excuse for not being prepared. Walking into a prospective PA school without knowing their mission statement cold, is foolish. Period. What was I thinking?

3- No more black business blazers and stiff white (ugly) dress shirts from Express. I was trying to be who I thought they wanted. (they being the Head of Admissions). The next face to face encounter, I will be wearing something from Anthropology.

4- I periodically feel ridiculous for not just settling down with the life I've created and just cruise it until the end. But I don't believe the "end" is really the end and cruising for 40 more years sounds really boring.

5- I don't really know if I must be a PA or not. What I do know it that I must serve the world's children and that I don't have enough education or resources to do it. Becoming a PA just makes sense. If there is an alternative, I'm listening....

6- "Without sufficient sacrifice, winning isn't meaningful and losing doesn't hurt" (Words off of the back of a really cool t-shirt). Last application cycle I had a dream. I worked hard in that dream, but there was still a fair share of glittery illusion in the background. This year there is nothing dream like about it. I'm tired, dinged up and my ego terribly bruised. It feels very real. Real is better.

Elimination Reaction

Dear Organic Chemistry,
Its true. I loved you once. Back at the beginning. But now I think it may have actually just been infatuation. You were bright and engaging and challenging. There was such a rush when I would finally break through and understand your language and see your world.

But over that last one million hours of being your constant companion, I'm sad to say that the love is dying. I really want you to quit talking, stop making exceptions for all of your rules and quit cramming your postulates down my throat. I told you I didn't like to cook, yet you insist that I synthesis epoxides, alkenes, nucleophiles and alcohol (of all things)! I am in such a jumble I no longer know what is appropriate....do I flip it, hydrate it, reduce it or hydrogenate it?
Lately, I catch myself just staring at it. Yes, it is definitely time to part ways. Today would be good.

After weeks of recovery, its possible I will miss you. I may long for the engaging conversations and the convoluted way you organize and re-organize yourself. I may pine away for the mechanisms you taught me that I can no longer recall. But right now all I feel is burned out. You are exhausting. Good by. Please go away.

One Breathless Ballerina Moment

Staring right into the eyes of the dream you've been cradling in your heart since forever. You only get a handful of those in a lifetime. They ought to be treasured.