Pause

Amy's blog about her annual reflection got me thinking about my efforts to get into PA school. I realized I had a list of my own.

1-Chemistry is as hard as everyone says it is, BUT hard doesn't mean impossible and I actually like it and may (MAY) be kinda good at it .

2- Just because I'm busy and trying to do too much, is not an excuse for not being prepared. Walking into a prospective PA school without knowing their mission statement cold, is foolish. Period. What was I thinking?

3- No more black business blazers and stiff white (ugly) dress shirts from Express. I was trying to be who I thought they wanted. (they being the Head of Admissions). The next face to face encounter, I will be wearing something from Anthropology.

4- I periodically feel ridiculous for not just settling down with the life I've created and just cruise it until the end. But I don't believe the "end" is really the end and cruising for 40 more years sounds really boring.

5- I don't really know if I must be a PA or not. What I do know it that I must serve the world's children and that I don't have enough education or resources to do it. Becoming a PA just makes sense. If there is an alternative, I'm listening....

6- "Without sufficient sacrifice, winning isn't meaningful and losing doesn't hurt" (Words off of the back of a really cool t-shirt). Last application cycle I had a dream. I worked hard in that dream, but there was still a fair share of glittery illusion in the background. This year there is nothing dream like about it. I'm tired, dinged up and my ego terribly bruised. It feels very real. Real is better.

Elimination Reaction

Dear Organic Chemistry,
Its true. I loved you once. Back at the beginning. But now I think it may have actually just been infatuation. You were bright and engaging and challenging. There was such a rush when I would finally break through and understand your language and see your world.

But over that last one million hours of being your constant companion, I'm sad to say that the love is dying. I really want you to quit talking, stop making exceptions for all of your rules and quit cramming your postulates down my throat. I told you I didn't like to cook, yet you insist that I synthesis epoxides, alkenes, nucleophiles and alcohol (of all things)! I am in such a jumble I no longer know what is appropriate....do I flip it, hydrate it, reduce it or hydrogenate it?
Lately, I catch myself just staring at it. Yes, it is definitely time to part ways. Today would be good.

After weeks of recovery, its possible I will miss you. I may long for the engaging conversations and the convoluted way you organize and re-organize yourself. I may pine away for the mechanisms you taught me that I can no longer recall. But right now all I feel is burned out. You are exhausting. Good by. Please go away.